Dug this up after reading it a long time ago and I’m posting it here for my own amusement.
Final Exam
INSTRUCTIONS: Read all instructions before answering questions. Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit 4 hours. You may begin immediately.
Agriculture
1) Outline the steps involved in breeding your own super high yield, all weather hybrid strain of wheat. Describe its chemical and physical properties and estimate its impact on world food supplies. Construct a model for dealing with world-wide surpluses.
Art
2) Explain the Mona Lisa’s smile. Relate all interpretations associated with it.
Biology
3) Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Verify this estimation.
Chemistry
4) Transform lead into gold. You will find a tripod and three logs under your seat. Show all work including Feynman diagrams and quantum functions for all steps.
Economics
5) Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, and the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view , as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
Engineering
6) The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to your room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.
English/Literature
7) Write, from memory, in perfect english, the Webster’s New Collegiate Dictionary. You will find 1500 sheets of paper under your chair.
8) Compose an epic poem based on the events of you own life in which you see and footnote allusions from T.S. Eliot, Keats, Chauler, Dante, Norse Mythology, and the Marx Brothers. Critique your poem with a full discussion of its merits. What could have been added/changed to make it perfect?
Epistemology
9) Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.
General Knowledge
10) Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
Geography
11) Draw a detailed map of the world showing all streets and traffic light locations. At 4:00 pm GMT, what are the colors of the traffic lights?
History
12) Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day; concentrate especially but not exclusively on the social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
13a) Compare and contrast the religions of ancient Egypt, Palestine, and Mesopotamia.
13b) Trace the growth and development of Greek Philosophy.
13c) Describe the growth, development, decline and fall of the Roman Empire.
13d) Discuss, in detail, any differences or similarities between the events in the previous three parts and their causes/effects. Provide concrete evidence.
14) Describe the history of all religions from their earliest origins to the present day. Prove which is best in a manner that will convince all other religions.
Logic
15) Using accepted methodology, prove all four of the following: That the universe is infinite; that truth is beauty; that there is no little person who turns off the light in the refrigerator when you close the door, and that you are the person taking this exam. Now disprove all of the above. Be specific. Show all work.
Management Science
16) Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Implement your algorithm on either a GE 645, CDC 7600, IBM 360/195, or PDP-8. Your program should include all software necessary to support 100 interactive consoles.
Mathematics
17) Define division by zero, and its effects upon all areas of mathematics. The less effects produced by your definition, the better your grade.
18) Calculate PI to two million decimal places and, by using this result, calculate the volume of the galaxy to 1,999,999 decimal places.
Medicine
19) Behind your desk you will find a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work is inspected.
Music
20) Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
Philosophy
21a) Why?
21b) If this is the question, what is the answer?
21c) What is the question given that the answer is 42?
22) Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
Physics
23) Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science, plus the possible effect of electromagnetic radiations on global pollution and on the love life of radar operators who spend long periods in that environment.
24) Define the universe in detail. List three examples.
25) Disprove Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. Construct an experiment to prove your position.
Political Science
26) On the desk behind you is a red phone. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.
Psychology
27) Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, and Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man’s work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
28) Employing principles from the major schools of psychoanalytic thought, successfully subject yourself to analysis. Make appropriate personality evaluations and changes, bill yourself, and fill out all appropriate medical insurance forms. Now do the same to the person on your immediate left.
Public Speaking
29) Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
Sociology
30) Prove the existance and explain the development of the “Boy meets Girl” theory.
31) Estimate the sociological problems that might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
Extra Credit
EC01) Give today’s date in metric.
EC02) Give three good reasons why Bruce Springsteen or the New Kids On The Block deserve success.
EC03) If you have followed instructions you will read this instruction before attempting any answers. You are instructed to ignore everything on this test except for the first and last (this one) instructions. Write your name in pig latin under the term “Extra Credit” and turn in your paper. This will result in a perfect score for you. Any other marks on this paper will negate this instruction and you will be graded according to your answers to the previous twenty-eight questions. All contents of this paragraph become null and void 180 seconds after recieving this exam.