His show rocks and I’ll probably be getting his book soon. You can find the first season of his show “Just Eat This” on iTunes. Well worth the money.

Final Exam

INSTRUCTIONS: Read all instructions before answering questions. Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit 4 hours. You may begin immediately.
Agriculture
1) Outline the steps involved in breeding your own super high yield, all weather hybrid strain of wheat. Describe its chemical and physical properties and estimate its impact on world food supplies. Construct a model for dealing with world-wide surpluses.

Art
2) Explain the Mona Lisa’s smile. Relate all interpretations associated with it.

Biology
3) Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Verify this estimation.

Chemistry
4) Transform lead into gold. You will find a tripod and three logs under your seat. Show all work including Feynman diagrams and quantum functions for all steps.

Economics
5) Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, and the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view , as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Engineering
6) The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to your room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

English/Literature
7) Write, from memory, in perfect english, the Webster’s New Collegiate Dictionary. You will find 1500 sheets of paper under your chair.
8) Compose an epic poem based on the events of you own life in which you see and footnote allusions from T.S. Eliot, Keats, Chauler, Dante, Norse Mythology, and the Marx Brothers. Critique your poem with a full discussion of its merits. What could have been added/changed to make it perfect?

Epistemology
9) Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

General Knowledge
10) Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Geography
11) Draw a detailed map of the world showing all streets and traffic light locations. At 4:00 pm GMT, what are the colors of the traffic lights?

History
12) Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day; concentrate especially but not exclusively on the social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
13a) Compare and contrast the religions of ancient Egypt, Palestine, and Mesopotamia.
13b) Trace the growth and development of Greek Philosophy.
13c) Describe the growth, development, decline and fall of the Roman Empire.
13d) Discuss, in detail, any differences or similarities between the events in the previous three parts and their causes/effects. Provide concrete evidence.
14) Describe the history of all religions from their earliest origins to the present day. Prove which is best in a manner that will convince all other religions.

Logic
15) Using accepted methodology, prove all four of the following: That the universe is infinite; that truth is beauty; that there is no little person who turns off the light in the refrigerator when you close the door, and that you are the person taking this exam. Now disprove all of the above. Be specific. Show all work.

Management Science
16) Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Implement your algorithm on either a GE 645, CDC 7600, IBM 360/195, or PDP-8. Your program should include all software necessary to support 100 interactive consoles.

Mathematics
17) Define division by zero, and its effects upon all areas of mathematics. The less effects produced by your definition, the better your grade.
18) Calculate PI to two million decimal places and, by using this result, calculate the volume of the galaxy to 1,999,999 decimal places.

Medicine
19) Behind your desk you will find a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work is inspected.

Music
20) Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Philosophy
21a) Why?
21b) If this is the question, what is the answer?
21c) What is the question given that the answer is 42?
22) Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

Physics
23) Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science, plus the possible effect of electromagnetic radiations on global pollution and on the love life of radar operators who spend long periods in that environment.
24) Define the universe in detail. List three examples.
25) Disprove Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. Construct an experiment to prove your position.

Political Science
26) On the desk behind you is a red phone. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

Psychology
27) Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, and Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man’s work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
28) Employing principles from the major schools of psychoanalytic thought, successfully subject yourself to analysis. Make appropriate personality evaluations and changes, bill yourself, and fill out all appropriate medical insurance forms. Now do the same to the person on your immediate left.

Public Speaking
29) Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Sociology
30) Prove the existance and explain the development of the “Boy meets Girl” theory.
31) Estimate the sociological problems that might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Extra Credit
EC01) Give today’s date in metric.
EC02) Give three good reasons why Bruce Springsteen or the New Kids On The Block deserve success.
EC03) If you have followed instructions you will read this instruction before attempting any answers. You are instructed to ignore everything on this test except for the first and last (this one) instructions. Write your name in pig latin under the term “Extra Credit” and turn in your paper. This will result in a perfect score for you. Any other marks on this paper will negate this instruction and you will be graded according to your answers to the previous twenty-eight questions. All contents of this paragraph become null and void 180 seconds after recieving this exam.

A few years back I came across some carols a bit more tolerable. Read on for some amusing parodies of songs I’m sure you’ll hear dozens, if not scores, of times in the upcoming months.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Cultist

Rudolph the Red Nosed Cultist
had a few insanities
and if you ever saw him
he’ll be chanting with great glee
Cthulhu fthagn Ia – aa
He is sleeping ‘neath the foam
as he stared out the window
through the bars where he made his home
Then one foggy moon streaked eve
Cthulhu came to say
Rudolph with your mind so brave
won’t you be my eternal slave
then all the other cultists
join Rudolph the mighty high priest
has joined Cthulhu in his lair.

Over the River and through the Woods

Over the River and through the Woods
To the Plateau of Leng we go
We hope that someday
we can finally say
that we saw the god on the slooo ope

Over the River and through the Woods
To Kadath so cold we go
Nightgaunts pull the sleigh
to hurry their way
past the Shantaks O, we hooo-ope

Over the River and through the Woods
I fear that we’ve gone too far
the Gods don’t condone
a mortal at home
farewell those who listened this far……

The Carol of the Old Ones

lyrics by A.H. Leman to the tune of Carol of the Bells by M. Leontovich

Look to the sky way up on high
There in the nigh stars now are right
Eons have passed now then at last
Whence They were penned They will descend

They will retun mankind will learn
New kinds of fear once They are here
As They reclaim all in Their name
Watch only can powerless man

Ignorant fools mankind now rules
Where They ruled then it’s Theirs again
Madness will reign terror and pain
Woes without ry scary scary scary Solstice
Very very very scary Solstice

Up from the sea from underground
Down from the sky They’re all around
They will retun mankind will learn
New kinds of fear when They are here

They will return

(followed by a glorious arrangement of four part harmonies.)

O Come All Ye Deep Ones

Lyrics by A.H. Leman to the tune of “O Come All Ye Faithful” by John Reading

O come all ye Deep Ones,
Mi-Go, Ghouls and Nightgaunhts;
Come foul Shub Niggurath and all Ancient Ones.
Come Great Cthulhom the ocean.

CHORUS
O come, let us abhor them,
O come, let us abhor them,
O come, let us abhor them,
Scream, run and hide.

Their old dominion
Mankind now rules blithely,
Stars turning overhead to bring forth his doom.
They will return here, greedy and malevolent.

CHORUS

Great Old Ones Are Coming to Town

You’d better watch out; you better go hide.
And Elder Sign’s needed for this Yuletide
Great Old Ones are comin to town.nd shaking it twice.
They’re going to hit you, naughty or nice.
Great Old Ones are coming to town.

They’re bringing ugly Shuggoths,
And horrid Deep Ones too,
Shub Niggurath is waking up
And so is Cthulhu

So you better watch out, you’d better go ‘way,
Before the big guy comes up from R’lyeh.
Great Old Ones are coming to town.

The Solstice Song

Victims roasting on an open fire,
Deep Ones ripping off your nose,
Mindless chanting ’round the funeral pyre
And folks strung up by their toes.
Ev’rybody knows how festive open wounds can be;
You’ll go crazy at the sight.
Tiny tots with their eyeballs aglow
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.
They know Cthulhu’s on his way;
The beast is rising from the depths of dark R’lyeh.
And ev’ry mother’s child is gonna cry
And beg for mercy and pray quickly to die.
And so I’m offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety two;
Although its been said many times, many ways,
“Barra na zu absu.”

Azathoth

sung to Jingle BellsAzathoth
Azathoth
Azathoth, the King
Center of the Universe,
Insanity he brings, Hey!

Azathoth
Azathoth
Azathoth, the King
Center of the Universe
Insanity he brings

Writhing round the place
Insane pipers pipe
Takes up lots of space
The stars are getting ripe

R’Lyeh soon may rise
Nyarlathotep plots
Earth will be the prize
We’ll all lose our spots, Ohhh

Azathoth
Azathoth
Azathoth, the King
Center of the Universe
IN – SANITY HEEEE BRIIIIIIIINGS!!!!!!!!!

1. Thou shalt not rent any movie adaptation of a Jane Austin novel.
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and beaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
6. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister/Mom/daughter is off-limits forever.
7. The maximum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
8. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional.
10. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
11. Before dating a buddy’s ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.
12. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and, more importantly, the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
13. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem, “you didn’t see nothin”.
14. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
15. (Gas Warfare Act) you may flatulate in front of a woman only after you’ve brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers (Dutch Oven) for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
16. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel… and it’s free.
17. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
18. Don’t fry bacon naked.
19. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
20. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin”, then you may sit back and enjoy.
21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: “Yeah, baby, push it!” “C’mon, give me one more! Harder!” “Another set and we can hit the showers.” ” Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?”
22. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
23. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: Neither both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
24. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him… too gay.
25. Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “FUCKOFF!” You are absolved of your responsibility.
26. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
27. Don’t tell a woman you love her just to get her into bed. She’ll probably do you anyway, and you’re less of a fucking bastard if you don’t call her again.
28. A woman decides if she’ll do you within 1 minute of meeting you. You spend the rest of the night talking her out of it.

We have these discussions often. And it freaks him the fuck out. I wish my old man had filled me in on some of this stuff, it was painful to learn.

In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students…?” 

“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me, I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Test of Three.”

“Test of Three?”

“That’s correct,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my student let’s take a moment to test what you’re going to say. The first test is Truth. Are absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

“No,” the man replied, “actually I just heard about it.”

“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”

“No, on the contrary…”

“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?”

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, “You may still pass though because there is a third test – the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?”

“No, not really…”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?”

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

The crappy thing about this is that most people will read this and find it funny due to one sentence at the end instead of taking the time to reflect upon the Role Of Three outlined in the story and apply it to their own lives.

Dear Acolyte/Neophyte,

Recently, the Society For Evil Overlords has noticed a regrettable decline in the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, evil priests, and willing sacrificial victims. We wish to correct this growing problem by submitting the following guidelines for new Cultists.

1. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of the amateur.
2. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your Diety’s name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.
3. Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over 10lb. in weight. It attracts unwanted attention from tourists, policemen, various supernatural creatures, and can be absolutely deadly during thunderstorms.
5. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I just can’t stress this enough. Pastel-colored candles in the shapes of cute cartoon animals are like beacons to the Powers of Darkness.
6. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, garlic, cab fare, condoms, etc.
7. NEVER be the cultist that goes to rough up the hero(s)! Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going ’round to beat up the good guys is a quick route to disaster.
8. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priests – enraged demons, always go for the pompous fools.
9. Don’t gloat.
10. If you can’t resist gloating, don’t reveal your plans.
11. If you gloat, then reveal your plans, don’t leave the hero(s) to die slowly – they won’t.
12. If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the hero(s) to die slowly, don’t have the audacity to look surprised when they show up at the last moment to foil your evil plot.
13. Bearing in mind that the hero(s) will always show up at the last moment to foil your evil plot, start half an hour early – they hate that!
14. Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.
15. Never have sex with anything you invoke.
16. Never admit to having sex with anything you invoke.
17. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES! Thousands of cultists could be saved each year if they’d just remember this simple safety tip.
18. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
19. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now considered ‘bad form’.
20. Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims. The effects of diseased or tainted offerings on the average extra- planar being have never been witnessed by anyone living, or more to the point – intact.
21. Contrary to popular belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the shit hits the fan, it is vitally necessary to be able to tell the difference between the gibbering monstrosity to throw holy-water at, and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good hot bath.
22. Don’t play Strip Tarot.
23. Piety and Belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can stand against one who is true to his faith, his God, and his own soul. However, it is also true that the Gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.
24. For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not feasible (or possible), the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously-frozen chunk of former-victim and jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam is asking for trouble.

(Via Diesel Sweeties by R Stevens.)

I’m not a gigantic fan of Diesel Sweeties. It is enjoyable and I think it is phenomenal that Mr. Stevens was able to not only launch a version in the normal newspapers, but also has been able to keep his original version with it’s “edgier” humor going at the same time.

This comic, from the print archives, strikes me as chock full of awesome! The most amusing part is that I’m a libertarian.

1. We know stuff about tanks.
2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase.
3. We can open all our own jars.
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group.
5. We don’t have to learn to spell a new last name.
6. We can leave a motel bed unmade.
7. We can kill our own food.
8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
9. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend.
11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack.
12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices.
13. Everything on our faces stays the original color.
14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
15. We don’t have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming.
16. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking “He must be mad at me.”
18. Same work-more pay.
19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
20. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends.
22. Your pals will never trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors.
24. We almost never have a “strap problem” in public.
25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
26. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades.
27. We don’t have to shave below the neck.
28. A few belches are expected and tolerated.
29. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
31. We can do our nails with a pocketknife.
32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
33. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes.
34. We know nothing about “dust” and we don’t care.