CryHavok.Org » Funny

The Key to Life

ikazuchi — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 01:24:01 +0000

When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down “happy.” They … Continue reading →

Evil Inc. has the greatest names

ikazuchi — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 11:37:53 +0000

I absolutely love the name Phenominal Lass

I love Sam the Cooking Guy

ikazuchi — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 01:47:04 +0000

His show rocks and I’ll probably be getting his book soon. You can find the first season of his show “Just Eat This” on iTunes. Well worth the money.

Dr. Horrible

ikazuchi — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 18:56:41 +0000

Dr. Horrible

Extended Quoting

ikazuchi — Mon, 05 May 2008 16:55:59 +0000

Normally, I send to quotes to the tumblelog, but these have been gathering on my hard disk for a bit, so I figured I’d post them here instead of adding them one at a time.

“Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
“Those who claim a thing is impossible should not interrupt those that are doing it.” – old Chinese proverb
“Fortune can, for her pleasure, fools advance, / And toss them on the wheels of Chance.” – Juvenal
“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln
“If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.” – Mark Twain
“A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.” – Granville Hicks
“There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.” – George Santayana
“To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep.” – Joan Klempner
“One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.” – Will Durant
“Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others.” – Edward Abbey
“Anybody can win unless there happens to be a second entry.” – George Ade
“All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.” – Alexandre Dumas
“I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.” – Thomas Jeferson
“Never fight an inanimate object.” – P.J. O’Rouke
“I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.” – Joseph Baretti
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.” – Carl Reiner
“The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.” – Paul Fix
“Humanity is acquiring all the right technology for all the wrong reasons.” – R. Buckminster Fuller
“Isn’t it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?” – Kelvin Throop III
“Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.” – H.L. Mencken
“An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered.” – G.K. Chesterson
“The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is inefficiency. An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty.” – Eugene McCarthy
“There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have.” – Don Herold
“I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.” – Carl Sandburg
“No man remains quite what he was when he recognizes himself.” – Thomas Mann
“Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.” – T.S. Elliot
“Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.” – Paul Gauguin
“It takes a certain maturity of mind to accept that nature works as steadily in rust as in rose petals.” – Esther Warner Dendel
“If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.” – Isaac Asimov
“The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.” – Harlan Ellison
“In physics, you don’t have to go around making trouble for yourself – nature does it for you.” – Frank Wilczek
“Rage is the only quality which has kept me, or anybody I have ever studied, writing columns for newspapers.” – Jimmy Breslin
“The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye. The more light you shine on it, the more it will contract.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“Education’s purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one.” – Malcolm Forbes
“A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.” – Oscar Wilde
“The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause accidents.” – Nathaniel Borenstein
“By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.” – Mark Twain
“If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.” – Peter Ustinov
“Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.” – Daniel J. Boorstin
“The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.” – James Branch Cabell
“There is scarcely anything in the world that some man cannot make a little worse, and sell a little more cheaply. The person who buys on price alone is this man’s lawful prey.” – John Ruskin
“Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.” – Martin Luther King Jr.
“The truth is rarely pure and never simple.” – Oscar Wilde
“Science may set limits to knowledge, but should not set limits to imagination.” – Bertrand Russell
“If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.” – Isaac Newton
“I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” – Sir Winston Churchill
“We are here on Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don’t know.” – W.H. Auden
“I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man’s being unable to sit still in a room.” – Blaise Pascal
“In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.” – George Orwell
“The best way to predict the future is to invent it.” – Alan Key
“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” – Eric Hoffer
“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.” – Ernest Benn
“Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.” – Norm Papernick
“The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.” – Ralph W. Sockman
“Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.” – Isaac Asimov
“Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates.” – Mark Twain
“The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do.” – B.F. Skinner
“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.” – Bertrand Russell
“Not only is the universe stranger than we imagine, it is stranger than we can imagine.” – Sir Arthur Eddington
“Millions long for immortality who don’t know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.” – Susan Ertz
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss
“Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.” – Evan Esar
“Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace.” – Oscar Wilde
“It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.” – William G. McAdoo
“Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so.” – Bertrand Russell
“Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects.” – Lester B. Pearson
“I don’t really trust a sane person.” – Lyle Alzado
“Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion.” – Robertson Davies
“Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.” – Aldous Huxley
“All things are difficult before they are easy.” – Dr. Thomas Fuller
“We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action.” – Frank Tibolt
“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” – Aristotle
“They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.” – Benjamin Franklin
“Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science.” – Gary Zukav
“It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.” – Jerome K. Jerome
“What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do.” – John Ruskin
“Confusion is always the most honest response.” – Marty Indik
“All science is either physics or stamp collecting.” – Ernest Rutherford
“Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.” – James M. Barrie
“One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.” – Rita Mae Brown
“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” – Wendell Johnson
“An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.” – Aldous Huxley
“I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow.” – Woodrow Wilson
“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.” – George Bernard Shaw
“They always talk who never think.” – Matthew Prior
“All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.” – Galileo Galilei
“Not to be absolutely certain is, I think, one of the essential things in rationality.” – Bertrand Russell
“Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.” – George Bernard Shaw
“I must beware of riding off on pet steed, Tangent, far from the main track of this book.” – Richard Dawkins (The God Delusion, pg 170)
“There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
“I love you, you love me, unless you’re flagged PVP.” – Anonymous
“I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.” — Woody Allen
“I cannot understand why I must love a “God” because if I don’t ‘He’ will hurt me. I call this the “abusive boyfriend” brand of theology, and I am not impressed with its reasoning.” — Anonymouse Wiccan
It should be noted that no ethically-trained software engineer would ever consent to write a DestroyBaghdad procedure. Basic professional ethics would instead require him to write a DestroyCity procedure, to which Baghdad could be given as a parameter. — Nathaniel S Borenstein
If you don’t think carefully, you might think that programming is just typing statements in a programming language. — Ward Cunningham
First learn computer science and all the theory. Next develop a programming style. Then forget all that and just hack. — George Carrette
If we wish to count lines of code, we should not regard them as lines produced but as lines spent. — Edsger Dijkstra
Syntax, my lad. It has been restored to the highest place in the republic. — John Steinbeck
Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness await thee at its end. — Henry Spencer
Writing code has a place in the human hierarchy worth somewhere above grave robbing and beneath managing. — Gerald Weinberg
Part of the reason so many companies continue to develop software using variations of waterfall is the misconception that the analysis phase of waterfall completes the design and the rest of the process is just non-creative execution of programming skills. — Steven Gordon
As such, panic, but only slightly. -Zalewski
Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice.
“I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.” – Stephan Leacock
“A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.” -Baltasar Gracian
“Your theory is crazy, but it’s not crazy enough to be true.” – Niels Bohr
“If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.” – John Kenneth Galbraith
“The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
“That all men are equal is a proposition which, at ordinary times, no sane individual has ever given his assent.” – Aldous Huxley
“Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.” – Jane Wagner
“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.” – Barry LePatner
“Sanity is a madness put to good use.” – George Santayana
“Mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.” – Bertrand Russell
“I am not in this world to live up to other people’s expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine.” – Fritz Perls
“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.” – Sir Winston Churchill
“Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.” – Will Rogers
“In the part of this universe that we know there is great injustice, and often the good suffer, and often the wicked prosper, and one hardly knows which of those is the more annoying.” – Bertrand Russell
“The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.” – Steven Wright
“Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It’s not a day when you lounge around doing nothing; it’s when you’ve had everything to do, and you’ve done it.” – Margaret Thatcher
“Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult.” – Charlotte Whitton
“The point of quotations is that one can use another’s words to be insulting.” – Amanda Cross
“In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is.” – Chuck Reid
“A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes.” – James Feibleman
“Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.” – Napoleon Bonaparte
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“Wisdom is what’s left after we’ve run out of personal opinions.” – Cullen Hightower
“A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men.” – Roald Dahl
“I’m worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It’s not holding a charge.” – Edward Chilton
“This isn’t right. This isn’t even wrong.” – Wolfgang Pauli
“One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.” – A. A. Milne
“I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell.” – Harry S. Truman
“Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.” – Fran Lebowitz
“Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so.” -Bertrand Russell
“My day is not complete until I have terrified a complete stranger.” – Doctor’s Bumper Sticker
“In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.” – Edward P. Tyron
I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time. -Friedrich Nietzsche
I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours. -Stephen Roberts
I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence. -Doug McLeod
Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God? -Epicurus
Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends! Well I say there are some things we don’t want to know! Important things! -Ned Flanders
Men never commit evil so fully and joyfuly as when they do it for religious convictions. -Blaise Pascal
So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. -Bertrand Russell
Praying is like a rocking chair– it’ll give you something to do, but it won’t get you anywhere. -Gypsy Rose Lee
We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing all-powerful God, who creates faulty Humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes. -Gene Roddenberry
Creationists make it sound like a ‘theory’ is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night — Isaac Asimov
I don’t believe in God. My god is patriotism. Teach a man to be a good citizen and you have solved the problem of life. — Andrew Carnegie
All thinking men are atheists. — Ernest Hemingway
Lighthouses are more helpful then churches. — Benjamin Franklin
Faith means not wanting to know what is true. — Friedrich Nietzsche
The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one. — George Bernard Shaw
Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it terrifying and absolutely vile. — Kurt Vonnegut
I believe in God, only I spell it Nature. — Frank Lloyd Wright
Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest. — Denis Diderot
A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows. — Samuel Clemens
The whole thing is so patently infantile, so foreign to reality, that to anyone with a friendly attitude to humanity it is painful to think that the great majority of mortals will never be able to rise above this view of life. — Sigmund Freud
Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful. — Edward Gibbon
The church says the earth is flat, but I know that it is round, for I have seen the shadow on the moon, and I have more faith in a shadow than in the church. — Ferdinand Magellan
It’s an incredible con job when you think about it, to believe something now in exchange for something after death. Even corporations with their reward systems don’t try to make it posthumous. — Gloria Steinem

The Ultimate Exam

ikazuchi — Mon, 05 May 2008 16:48:16 +0000

Dug this up after reading it a long time ago and I’m posting it here for my own amusement.

Final Exam

INSTRUCTIONS: Read all instructions before answering questions. Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit 4 hours. You may begin immediately.
Agriculture
1) Outline the steps involved in breeding your own super high yield, all weather hybrid strain of wheat. Describe its chemical and physical properties and estimate its impact on world food supplies. Construct a model for dealing with world-wide surpluses.

Art
2) Explain the Mona Lisa’s smile. Relate all interpretations associated with it.

Biology
3) Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Verify this estimation.

Chemistry
4) Transform lead into gold. You will find a tripod and three logs under your seat. Show all work including Feynman diagrams and quantum functions for all steps.

Economics
5) Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, and the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view , as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Engineering
6) The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to your room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

English/Literature
7) Write, from memory, in perfect english, the Webster’s New Collegiate Dictionary. You will find 1500 sheets of paper under your chair.
8) Compose an epic poem based on the events of you own life in which you see and footnote allusions from T.S. Eliot, Keats, Chauler, Dante, Norse Mythology, and the Marx Brothers. Critique your poem with a full discussion of its merits. What could have been added/changed to make it perfect?

Epistemology
9) Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

General Knowledge
10) Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Geography
11) Draw a detailed map of the world showing all streets and traffic light locations. At 4:00 pm GMT, what are the colors of the traffic lights?

History
12) Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day; concentrate especially but not exclusively on the social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
13a) Compare and contrast the religions of ancient Egypt, Palestine, and Mesopotamia.
13b) Trace the growth and development of Greek Philosophy.
13c) Describe the growth, development, decline and fall of the Roman Empire.
13d) Discuss, in detail, any differences or similarities between the events in the previous three parts and their causes/effects. Provide concrete evidence.
14) Describe the history of all religions from their earliest origins to the present day. Prove which is best in a manner that will convince all other religions.

Logic
15) Using accepted methodology, prove all four of the following: That the universe is infinite; that truth is beauty; that there is no little person who turns off the light in the refrigerator when you close the door, and that you are the person taking this exam. Now disprove all of the above. Be specific. Show all work.

Management Science
16) Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Implement your algorithm on either a GE 645, CDC 7600, IBM 360/195, or PDP-8. Your program should include all software necessary to support 100 interactive consoles.

Mathematics
17) Define division by zero, and its effects upon all areas of mathematics. The less effects produced by your definition, the better your grade.
18) Calculate PI to two million decimal places and, by using this result, calculate the volume of the galaxy to 1,999,999 decimal places.

Medicine
19) Behind your desk you will find a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work is inspected.

Music
20) Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Philosophy
21a) Why?
21b) If this is the question, what is the answer?
21c) What is the question given that the answer is 42?
22) Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

Physics
23) Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science, plus the possible effect of electromagnetic radiations on global pollution and on the love life of radar operators who spend long periods in that environment.
24) Define the universe in detail. List three examples.
25) Disprove Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. Construct an experiment to prove your position.

Political Science
26) On the desk behind you is a red phone. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

Psychology
27) Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, and Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man’s work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
28) Employing principles from the major schools of psychoanalytic thought, successfully subject yourself to analysis. Make appropriate personality evaluations and changes, bill yourself, and fill out all appropriate medical insurance forms. Now do the same to the person on your immediate left.

Public Speaking
29) Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Sociology
30) Prove the existance and explain the development of the “Boy meets Girl” theory.
31) Estimate the sociological problems that might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Extra Credit
EC01) Give today’s date in metric.
EC02) Give three good reasons why Bruce Springsteen or the New Kids On The Block deserve success.
EC03) If you have followed instructions you will read this instruction before attempting any answers. You are instructed to ignore everything on this test except for the first and last (this one) instructions. Write your name in pig latin under the term “Extra Credit” and turn in your paper. This will result in a perfect score for you. Any other marks on this paper will negate this instruction and you will be graded according to your answers to the previous twenty-eight questions. All contents of this paragraph become null and void 180 seconds after recieving this exam.

CthuluCarols

ikazuchi — Mon, 05 May 2008 16:29:11 +0000

Honestly, I really hate the ‘holidays’. One of the things I hate the most are the ceaseless repetitions of Christmas carols. Abominable to begin with, their unending iterations are the thing to drive men mad (and I do not mean crazy).

A few years back I came across some carols a bit more tolerable. Read on for some amusing parodies of songs I’m sure you’ll hear dozens, if not scores, of times in the upcoming months.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Cultist

Rudolph the Red Nosed Cultist
had a few insanities
and if you ever saw him
he’ll be chanting with great glee
Cthulhu fthagn Ia – aa
He is sleeping ‘neath the foam
as he stared out the window
through the bars where he made his home
Then one foggy moon streaked eve
Cthulhu came to say
Rudolph with your mind so brave
won’t you be my eternal slave
then all the other cultists
join Rudolph the mighty high priest
has joined Cthulhu in his lair.

Over the River and through the Woods

Over the River and through the Woods
To the Plateau of Leng we go
We hope that someday
we can finally say
that we saw the god on the slooo ope

Over the River and through the Woods
To Kadath so cold we go
Nightgaunts pull the sleigh
to hurry their way
past the Shantaks O, we hooo-ope

Over the River and through the Woods
I fear that we’ve gone too far
the Gods don’t condone
a mortal at home
farewell those who listened this far……

The Carol of the Old Ones

lyrics by A.H. Leman to the tune of Carol of the Bells by M. Leontovich

Look to the sky way up on high
There in the nigh stars now are right
Eons have passed now then at last
Whence They were penned They will descend

They will retun mankind will learn
New kinds of fear once They are here
As They reclaim all in Their name
Watch only can powerless man

Ignorant fools mankind now rules
Where They ruled then it’s Theirs again
Madness will reign terror and pain
Woes without ry scary scary scary Solstice
Very very very scary Solstice

Up from the sea from underground
Down from the sky They’re all around
They will retun mankind will learn
New kinds of fear when They are here

They will return

(followed by a glorious arrangement of four part harmonies.)

O Come All Ye Deep Ones

Lyrics by A.H. Leman to the tune of “O Come All Ye Faithful” by John Reading

O come all ye Deep Ones,
Mi-Go, Ghouls and Nightgaunhts;
Come foul Shub Niggurath and all Ancient Ones.
Come Great Cthulhom the ocean.

CHORUS
O come, let us abhor them,
O come, let us abhor them,
O come, let us abhor them,
Scream, run and hide.

Their old dominion
Mankind now rules blithely,
Stars turning overhead to bring forth his doom.
They will return here, greedy and malevolent.

CHORUS

Great Old Ones Are Coming to Town

You’d better watch out; you better go hide.
And Elder Sign’s needed for this Yuletide
Great Old Ones are comin to town.nd shaking it twice.
They’re going to hit you, naughty or nice.
Great Old Ones are coming to town.

They’re bringing ugly Shuggoths,
And horrid Deep Ones too,
Shub Niggurath is waking up
And so is Cthulhu

So you better watch out, you’d better go ‘way,
Before the big guy comes up from R’lyeh.
Great Old Ones are coming to town.

The Solstice Song

Victims roasting on an open fire,
Deep Ones ripping off your nose,
Mindless chanting ’round the funeral pyre
And folks strung up by their toes.
Ev’rybody knows how festive open wounds can be;
You’ll go crazy at the sight.
Tiny tots with their eyeballs aglow
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.
They know Cthulhu’s on his way;
The beast is rising from the depths of dark R’lyeh.
And ev’ry mother’s child is gonna cry
And beg for mercy and pray quickly to die.
And so I’m offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety two;
Although its been said many times, many ways,
“Barra na zu absu.”

Azathoth

sung to Jingle BellsAzathoth
Azathoth
Azathoth, the King
Center of the Universe,
Insanity he brings, Hey!

Azathoth
Azathoth
Azathoth, the King
Center of the Universe
Insanity he brings

Writhing round the place
Insane pipers pipe
Takes up lots of space
The stars are getting ripe

R’Lyeh soon may rise
Nyarlathotep plots
Earth will be the prize
We’ll all lose our spots, Ohhh

Azathoth
Azathoth
Azathoth, the King
Center of the Universe
IN – SANITY HEEEE BRIIIIIIIINGS!!!!!!!!!

Passing on Manly Knowledge

ikazuchi — Mon, 05 May 2008 16:24:18 +0000

I have no idea where this originally came from, but it amuses the hell outta me :)

by monkeyboy:
I sat down with my son and we discussed the “guy code”. What every man should know, and teach the next generation. YMMV.

Thou shalt not rent any movie adaptation of a Jane Austin novel.
Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and beaten by his fellow partygoers.
Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister/Mom/daughter is off-limits forever.
The maximum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional.
Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
Before dating a buddy’s ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.
Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and, more importantly, the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem, “you didn’t see nothin”.
The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
(Gas Warfare Act) you may flatulate in front of a woman only after you’ve brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers (Dutch Oven) for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel… and it’s free.
Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
Don’t fry bacon naked.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin”, then you may sit back and enjoy.
Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: “Yeah, baby, push it!” “C’mon, give me one more! Harder!” “Another set and we can hit the showers.” ” Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?”
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: Neither both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him… too gay.
Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “FUCKOFF!” You are absolved of your responsibility.
The morning after you and a babe who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
Don’t tell a woman you love her just to get her into bed. She’ll probably do you anyway, and you’re less of a fucking bastard if you don’t call her again.
A woman decides if she’ll do you within 1 minute of meeting you. You spend the rest of the night talking her out of it.

We have these discussions often. And it freaks him the fuck out. I wish my old man had filled me in on some of this stuff, it was painful to learn.

Rule Of Three

ikazuchi — Sun, 04 May 2008 23:37:29 +0000

Currently making its rounds through the NBES (Non-Business Email Spams) is the following story:

In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students…?”

“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me, I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Test of Three.”

“Test of Three?”

“That’s correct,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my student let’s take a moment to test what you’re going to say. The first test is Truth. Are absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

“No,” the man replied, “actually I just heard about it.”

“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”

“No, on the contrary…”

“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?”

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, “You may still pass though because there is a third test – the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?”

“No, not really…”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?”

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

The crappy thing about this is that most people will read this and find it funny due to one sentence at the end instead of taking the time to reflect upon the Role Of Three outlined in the story and apply it to their own lives.

How To Be A Cultist

ikazuchi — Sun, 04 May 2008 23:18:08 +0000

To go with the “If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord” list:

Dear Acolyte/Neophyte,

Recently, the Society For Evil Overlords has noticed a regrettable decline in the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, evil priests, and willing sacrificial victims. We wish to correct this growing problem by submitting the following guidelines for new Cultists.

Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of the amateur.
Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your Diety’s name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.
Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over 10lb. in weight. It attracts unwanted attention from tourists, policemen, various supernatural creatures, and can be absolutely deadly during thunderstorms.
Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I just can’t stress this enough. Pastel-colored candles in the shapes of cute cartoon animals are like beacons to the Powers of Darkness.
Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, garlic, cab fare, condoms, etc.
NEVER be the cultist that goes to rough up the hero(s)! Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going ’round to beat up the good guys is a quick route to disaster.
When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priests – enraged demons, always go for the pompous fools.
Don’t gloat.
If you can’t resist gloating, don’t reveal your plans.
If you gloat, then reveal your plans, don’t leave the hero(s) to die slowly – they won’t.
If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the hero(s) to die slowly, don’t have the audacity to look surprised when they show up at the last moment to foil your evil plot.
Bearing in mind that the hero(s) will always show up at the last moment to foil your evil plot, start half an hour early – they hate that!
Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.
Never have sex with anything you invoke.
Never admit to having sex with anything you invoke.
When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES! Thousands of cultists could be saved each year if they’d just remember this simple safety tip.
When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now considered ‘bad form’.
Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims. The effects of diseased or tainted offerings on the average extra- planar being have never been witnessed by anyone living, or more to the point – intact.
Contrary to popular belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the shit hits the fan, it is vitally necessary to be able to tell the difference between the gibbering monstrosity to throw holy-water at, and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good hot bath.
Don’t play Strip Tarot.
Piety and Belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can stand against one who is true to his faith, his God, and his own soul. However, it is also true that the Gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.
For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not feasible (or possible), the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously-frozen chunk of former-victim and jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam is asking for trouble.