1. Thou shalt not rent any movie adaptation of a Jane Austin novel.
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and beaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
6. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister/Mom/daughter is off-limits forever.
7. The maximum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
8. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional.
10. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
11. Before dating a buddy’s ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.
12. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and, more importantly, the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
13. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem, “you didn’t see nothin”.
14. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
15. (Gas Warfare Act) you may flatulate in front of a woman only after you’ve brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers (Dutch Oven) for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
16. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel… and it’s free.
17. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
18. Don’t fry bacon naked.
19. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
20. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin”, then you may sit back and enjoy.
21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: “Yeah, baby, push it!” “C’mon, give me one more! Harder!” “Another set and we can hit the showers.” ” Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?”
22. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
23. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: Neither both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
24. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him… too gay.
25. Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “FUCKOFF!” You are absolved of your responsibility.
26. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
27. Don’t tell a woman you love her just to get her into bed. She’ll probably do you anyway, and you’re less of a fucking bastard if you don’t call her again.
28. A woman decides if she’ll do you within 1 minute of meeting you. You spend the rest of the night talking her out of it.

We have these discussions often. And it freaks him the fuck out. I wish my old man had filled me in on some of this stuff, it was painful to learn.

Dear Acolyte/Neophyte,

Recently, the Society For Evil Overlords has noticed a regrettable decline in the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, evil priests, and willing sacrificial victims. We wish to correct this growing problem by submitting the following guidelines for new Cultists.

1. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of the amateur.
2. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your Diety’s name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.
3. Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over 10lb. in weight. It attracts unwanted attention from tourists, policemen, various supernatural creatures, and can be absolutely deadly during thunderstorms.
5. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I just can’t stress this enough. Pastel-colored candles in the shapes of cute cartoon animals are like beacons to the Powers of Darkness.
6. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, garlic, cab fare, condoms, etc.
7. NEVER be the cultist that goes to rough up the hero(s)! Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going ’round to beat up the good guys is a quick route to disaster.
8. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priests – enraged demons, always go for the pompous fools.
9. Don’t gloat.
10. If you can’t resist gloating, don’t reveal your plans.
11. If you gloat, then reveal your plans, don’t leave the hero(s) to die slowly – they won’t.
12. If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the hero(s) to die slowly, don’t have the audacity to look surprised when they show up at the last moment to foil your evil plot.
13. Bearing in mind that the hero(s) will always show up at the last moment to foil your evil plot, start half an hour early – they hate that!
14. Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.
15. Never have sex with anything you invoke.
16. Never admit to having sex with anything you invoke.
17. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES! Thousands of cultists could be saved each year if they’d just remember this simple safety tip.
18. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
19. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now considered ‘bad form’.
20. Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims. The effects of diseased or tainted offerings on the average extra- planar being have never been witnessed by anyone living, or more to the point – intact.
21. Contrary to popular belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the shit hits the fan, it is vitally necessary to be able to tell the difference between the gibbering monstrosity to throw holy-water at, and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good hot bath.
22. Don’t play Strip Tarot.
23. Piety and Belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can stand against one who is true to his faith, his God, and his own soul. However, it is also true that the Gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.
24. For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not feasible (or possible), the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously-frozen chunk of former-victim and jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam is asking for trouble.